To honor Billy, post a comment below with a little note you’d like to send his family (please, no spam, we really mean it) and we will send it to him. we really liked Billy around here.  He was entertaining and there wouldn’t beso much attention to him now if people did not feel the same.

Well, for everyone new here, this website is a comedy site trying to raise money and awareness to the fake cause we have of going back in time to get Mike Dukakis elected in 1988 and save the world.  We recently nominated Billy Mays as one of our members to be sent back and accomplish the mission.  Unfortunately, wenow have to go back in time to send him even further back.  But this is not important anymore — here’s what is.

We really liked Billy Mays, as he was the only person who could get not only us, but millions of people, to actually go online and search for ads for cleaning products like Orange Glo and Oxi Clean just to watch their commercials.  Billy was really entertaining and we had fun with him. Hey, he had fun with him by challenging other pitchmen to “Sell-off” competitions on radio shows like Adam Carolla Show and by doing ESPN commercials with his family all having beards like him.

To honor Billy, since we feel we should as most of our traffic comes from people intrigued in him, we are trying to find a contact for his family to send him well wishes.  When we do, we will post it.  For the time being, post a comment below with a little note you’d like to send him family (please, no spam, we really mean it) and we will send it to him.

Salesman Guru Billy Mays has been nominated as one of the selected few to go back in time and get Michael Dukakis elected. It is up to your vote, however, for it to be an actual selection. Once chosen, he must go, even if he doesn’t know he was chosen or what he’s supposed to do (we’ve got people)/

This site, DukakisBentsen.com, and 3 of the least credible universities in Wisconsin have teamed up to create the most ambitious and important plan in the history of the world. If you want to save the universe, you will join in this plan. To solve all the stuff in the world everyone is now complaining about, one could look to funds and current government. Or, you can do the only possinble plan to fix it all — go back in time to 1988 and get Mike Dukakis elected.

For the shallow minded, this seems rediculous. But for everyone else who doesn’t like the current NBC sitcom lineup, I ask you, what else is there to do? We need to save the world, so we will go back in time to the only man in history with the glory, sex appeal, Greekity, charisma and genius to do it. Whatever needs to be done then to make everything awesome again and ensure greatness like GDP growth of Columbia (sans drugs) and Halo 4 to come out, he will do it. However, this will take a huge amount of resources and people who actually have a clue to warp the time-space continuem or can actually explain it to us.  Therefore, the list for the needs to help draft a plan for the announcement of a date for the final planning of the announcement of a meeting where a press conference to announce the dae of the press conference to announce the date the first meeting to start planning will take place, will be listed below:

$980 Billion in no strings attatched funds paid in cash (no checks)

754 volunteers (no more, no less)  willing to experiment going back in time and somehow reporting back as to what needs to be done.

People, probably scientists who understand Pi and Junior College Level Mechanics, who can engineer a device that can go really fast and spin while not having the clocks read 12:00 (WE KNOW ITS NOT TWELVE, BLINKING DISPLAY).

10th grade literate gorillas familiar wih DOS and C++

4 Justin Timberlake Albums.

An electon particle accelerator.

20 diamond laser beam conductors.

lip balm

*list can change without notice.

So, if you have any idea of how to help or get this stuff, contact us.  Other than that, spread the word!

   This song shared courtesy zshare.

 

Hi! I am Donny Walsh-Gutierrez.  I am looking for a women to be my love cushion.  This episode will have to do with my efforts on Craigslist.org.

I have high standards, so I will not reply to any desperate ho looking for a stud to fondle.

First Posting I liked:

Curvy Brunette looking for a Fun, Sexy Guy (s– j— south)

Reply to: ———————————@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-06-15, 3:20p.m. PDT

---

 Hey hey hey! Thanks for stopping by! I am a sexy, slender, caucasian woman with long, wild, dark brown hair, blue-green eyes, huge dimples and a beautiful smile. I stand at 5′6, weigh 135 lbs, & am extremely busty, athletic and toned. I have a fun personality and live for the next good laugh! I enjoy a man who is super funny (without putting others down to get a laugh), responsible but not a workaholic, and loves to spoil your woman. I am especially attracted to taller men with dark hair and eyes that are physically fit. I love going to the beach, mountains, lakes/rivers, concerts, sporting events and any kind of travel! If you have pets or kids that is a big plus! Love them! So if you are sexy hot, sweet, and funny as hell, and you think you can keep up with this dynamo - send me a message! 

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Ok, So wow, I found this woman to be very attractive.  She may have been kinda whorey as she has no underwear in this pic, but its ok becuase she is playing guitar hero which is a must. She is a little heavy for me, as I repeat I have high standards, and am unimpressed she is not blonde or nipple-ringed.  So, an e-mail was sent to her as I thought that she will do.

————————————————————————————-

To:  ————————————@craigslist.org

From: ——-@dukakisbentsen.com

Subject: Craigslist Posting

Hi there.  My name is Donny and I have found great interest in your posting.You seem to be a decent looking female that I would be interested in meeting.  What is your job? Or are you just a trophy lady (ha-ha).  I am a professional model and have been told that I am very attractive, but I do not want to be vein (wink).  Anyways, get back to me. I am not available all the time since I am a cool guy. Do you not have underwear in that pic? I find that potentially funny.  Guitar Hero rules, but I hope you have the Metallica one or else it is not the best version.  Good day

-Donny

———————————————————————————-

From: —————@yahoo.com

To:——-@dukakisbentsen.com

Subject: Re:Craigslist Posting

Hey Donna, my name is Tina. You seem to qualify for the funny category! unless you are just bieng wierd!! lol — were would u take me on a 1st date? it better be good… pro model, huh? well before i say anything else I’m gonna need a pic. thx~!

——————————————————————————

I found it odd she doubted the fact that I am  a pro model, but I oblidged anyways.

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To:——-@dukakisbentsen.com

From: —————@yahoo.com

Subject: Re:Re:Craigslist Posting

Ha-ha, you are funny.  On a first date I would definately take you hiking since I’m glad you say you’re athletic.  It could help you get trim again, if you actually were before that pic. Any how, I demand the finest of women since it is that given to them.  I guess you actually are someone who just spends money, but i can shape u pu into a productive person. So you doubt I am a model? Here u go.

This was a professional shoot i did for Hilton hotels.  It wasn’t published because the film got ruined after they mailed me the shots they said. oh well. so, tell me when to pick u up babe.

-Donny

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Ohwe ll, she never emailed me back after that emal, i do not know why. maybe she was intimidated or just looking for money.  When i tried to email her back it said the username is not real… i think he computer broke or something.

The next profile I liked was this one:

—————————————————————————————

Reply to: ———————————@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-06-15, 1:20AM PDT

wanna meet me? looking for 25+ gentleman - 31 (San Francisco)

http://images.craigslist.org/3k23m03lbZZZZZZZZZ96i8aee26caccb616bc.jpg

—————————————————————————-

Hi there! My name is Donny, what about you/ I would love to get in touch with you and talk as you seem homely and nice. Get back asap

-Donny

———————————————————————————

Hey nice profile. I like a good thick cock. Would you like to please me then increase the size of your penis please.  I’ll come begging back. Here is an offer I found that works and you can try it ABSOLUTELY FREE!

====================================================

After 359 of those, I changed the e-mail filters and tried again. This  one was interesing, but I found the woman to be desperate as why does she want a fat guy? and why is she do descriminatory.. something screams biiiiiiitch!

——————————————————————-

I like a CHUBBY guy - no sticks please (lower nob hill)

---

Reply to: —————————————-@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-06-18, 12:01AM PDT

If you are single like me maybe you may be feeling like just hanging out and meeting new people. So maybe we can hang out, no pressures. Movies, are my favorite thing to do especially on weekend nights. Even matinees are pretty cool and cheaper too! i am looking for a guy who likes the same things i do but especially you must like japanese style animation.

———————————————————————————-

I was not attarcted to this next one, but she is a woman (i think). I responded to this next lady just to hook one in.

——————————————————————————

thick and curvy seeks a summertime white guy cutie - 20 (concord / pleasant hill / martinez)

---

Reply to: pers-hhf4m-1227344771@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-06-18, 1:34AM PDT

so I am ready to soak up the sun and have a great summer the only problem is that I dont have that special guy to share good times with. Im looking to be friends first then if things go smooth maybe even more will come out of it. So my preference are white guys only and please be fun and outgoing and of course cute lol, tall and FIT.  im not into any sort of drama so please leave it behind you. I jus want to find someone awesome to spend my summer with. I am attractive im thick and curvy. yes I got some meat. Im latina and black too so thats a good combo so hit me back up with a pic and tell me about yourself please be between 20-28. I hope to talk to you soon.

———————————————————————————————————–

Hi! I am a short, fat Mexican guy, even tho im not.  i like blonde skinny chicks, but i’ll make an exception for you …. fat chicks need lovin too hun! I am actually white too, but you seem to desperate to turn guys down.

-Donny Diesel [needed a cool ass nick name to make the deal 100%]

———————————————————————————————————-
what she sent back cannot be printed.. it can, but i don’t wanna… its  seven letters, two words

Well, Donny didn’t get it this time, maybe next time! Tune in

Is this even serious, i thought it was a joke. if anyone has seen this, please contact us BECAUSE YOU ARE BANNED FROM BEING A REASONABLE PERSON FOR 3 WEEKS. yes, continue. this is Ryan O’Neal from Norman Mailer’s “tough guys don’t dance” but appearantly act like shit and are only hired after threatening the directors family with unveiling their 15 year old daughters affair with a priest and having a long awkward discussion about how the actor knew.

DukakisBentsen.com officially announced today that it will be publishing Crappy People Magazine. It is just like regular People Magazine, but only about the crappiest people: like Jameer Nelson-

The Late Show’s David Letterman apologized to Gov. Sarah Palin for a joke he made about her daughter getting knocked up by A-Rod.  The issue blew up after Palins appearance on the today show with Matt Lauer (click here to view)

What do you think about this apology? Good or crappy?

Thanks to the original post by Domain Barnyard that was too good to pass up adding in this segment! http://flickr.com/photos/loritingey/2471874119/

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time or a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE he could believe in.

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me……. it’s how BaRAck ObAMa didn’t want it to cross the road, but actually tried to convert it to Islam! I don’t believe that (wink)

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or
not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle
ground here. He probably hates America and your little babies.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird
gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see
the plain truth? That’s why they call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the
other side.” That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain
and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will
be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish
its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This
new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ………
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I …did …..not ….cross…. the …..road ….with THAT chicken!…… What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?…… We need some
black chickens up in here!